How does your relationship normally function? Most likely, you and your partner will get along and be able to thrive together. But what happens when something goes wrong, and one or both of you begin to feel stressed out? How does stress affect relationships, and what can you do to strengthen your partnership against life’s inevitable stressors?
Relationship stress can take a toll on the strongest of bonds. When you begin to think “My relationship is stressing me out,” there is the potential for distance, disagreements and disconnection between you and your partner. But by offering a steady supply of support for your partner when they are stressed, not only can you learn how to deal with stress and relationships, but you’ll also create a new level of intimacy that brings you both closer together.
Dealing with relationship stress is never easy, but it’s part of life. Even if your partner has consistently been the anchor in your relationship, there will eventually come a time when their tank is running on empty, and you will be given the opportunity to provide the love and support that is needed. And while you may find it to be difficult to help your partner during times of stress, generating the mental and emotional resources to help your partner will not only create comfort and connection but a healthy, secure base in the relationship that both partners can consistently count on.
A better question might be “how does stress not affect relationships?” Research shows that stress spills over into our relationships, causing a wide range of problems. When people are under a lot of stress, they become distracted, withdrawn, and less affectionate. Leisure activities are relegated to the back burner, which creates alienation from social groups, including one’s partner. When we’re under stress, it brings out our worst traits. We’re depleted of cognitive resources, which makes us hyper-vigilant and oversensitive to criticism. Since we’re more irritable, we’re more likely to fight over issues we’d normally drop – and if relationship stress was already a problem, it will increase tenfold when external stressors are added to the equation.
Men and women react differently to stress. One of the fundamental reasons for this has to do with varying stress hormones. When stress strikes, the body releases hormones called cortisol and epinephrine that raise blood pressure and circulate blood sugar level. Oxytocin is then released from the brain, countering the impact of cortisol and epinephrine by relaxing emotions.
Men release less oxytocin than women when they are stressed, meaning they have a stronger reaction from both cortisol and epinephrine. This caused women to be more likely to handle stress by “tending and befriending” – that is, nurturing those around them to both protect themselves and their young. Men, however, release smaller doses of oxytocin, which makes them more likely to have the “fight or flight” response when it comes to stress, either repressing their emotions and escaping the situation, or fighting back.
Some relationship stress is normal, but how much is too much? A “normative” level of relationship stress looks like this: occasional misunderstandings, room for improvement in your communication skills or a minor mismatch between expectations. When these occurrences become the “norm” in your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate. Of particular concern is a lack of follow-through or commitment. Also, consider your relationship’s age (i.e. stress in a new relationship is a huge red flag); frequency (i.e. some one-off relationship issues are less concerning than habitual ones); how much relationship stress your partner triggers (i.e. if your partner forgets to fold the socks, that is less stressful than his or her infidelity) and the overall emotional “flavour” of your relationship (i.e. if you’re consistently sad, angry, fearful or disappointed by your partner, there’s work to do in the relationship).
Did you know that relationship stress can make you sick? If you’ve moved from “My relationship is stressing me out” to feeling physical or mental health symptoms, that’s a tell-tale sign that you have way too much stress in your relationship. Relationship stress can lead to mental health problems like:
· Anxiety when you are around your partner
· Overanalysis of your interactions
· Inability to control your emotions
· Feeling depressed or withdrawn
· Problems sleeping
Studies have also proven that relationship stress can lead to physical health problems. One study even showed that ambivalent relationships – where your interactions with your partner vary wildly from supportive to hostile – are worse for your physical health than relationships that are entirely negative. Relationship stress results in the same negative health effects as any other form of stress.
Your connection is key when it comes to stress and relationships. It feels good when you and your partner are on the same page emotionally. There’s nothing like a close emotional bond where each of you can lean on the other through trials and tribulations. While relationship stress might strike every couple at some point, you can choose to soothe each other’s hearts and practice constructive ways to help each other.
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