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Writer's pictureAlexander Stonehouse

Low-Effort Gift Ideas for the Serial Procrastinator



Well, it appears festivity is upon us once again at Fredericton High, and, unfortunately, with the festive season comes festive responsibilities—the most popular example of which being consuming at a rapid pace, ensuring the important people in your life know you love them via tsunami of gift-cards and Walmart blankets.


Holiday shopping can overwhelm and dissuade, causing grief, anxiety, and (jolly) rage. Cultural expectations dictate that we need to have a present for most of our immediate family members, some select friends, and maybe even a teacher or two. But what if life has gotten in the way, leading to an abysmally neglected shopping list?


If you’re anything like me, your holiday shopping list is sitting at an unmanned desk, waiting until you get up from your bed, into your car, and over to the store. Of course, that is easier said than done, and this year, holiday shopping is yet another stressor to add to the naughty list.


And with that, I present to you: 4 last-minute, low-effort gift ideas for the person you’ve put-off getting a present for (as long as you don’t mind a little subpar gifting):


#1: A lovely, knitted sock (or pair of socks, but you’re pushing your luck)


Now, I know what you’re thinking: Alex, I don’t have time to pry my sleep-addled body out of my lovely, comfortable, luscious bed, how am I expected to knit a sock before the holidays? And to that I say: fair.


However, many fail to consider the wonderous practice of regifting, or, taking old junk and finding it a new home. Imagine: deep inside your closet or dresser lies a tiny little town full of the lost socks, hair elastics, loose change, and misplaced odds and ends, just WAITING for you to reach far enough in to rescue them from their purgatory.


Almost everybody I know has had a knitted pair of socks at one point or another, meaning that I can almost guarantee that, if you search hard enough in every dresser within your home, you will find a beautiful pair of socks to regift. Everyone hates receiving socks, but cannot complain, because they’re so goddamn useful. It’s perfect.


#2: “Distressed” denim jackets


Again, I can hear you saying: Alex, you idiot, denim jackets haven’t been in fashion since 2014, and to that I say: If you say so.


But, luckily, due to denim jackets’ on-again, off-again fashion staple status, most people have at least one laying around, collecting mothballs, when it could be in somebody else’s closet doing the exact same thing.


Fortunately, vintage clothing is on the rise, and a nice, moth-eaten, closet-dust-covered piece of overwear can really light up the life of a special person in your life. Once gifted, though, make sure to consistently ask the giftee why they aren’t wearing your jacket. After all, you really tried to give them a present they would enjoy, right?


#3: Bedsheet sets galore!


But Alex, everyone has bedsheets and blah blah blah, blah blah. Okay, but isn’t it always good to be prepared?


Many of us eat in bed, and have dealt with the inevitable mess that comes from it. Spilling miscellaneous liquids on your sheets is always a big deal, because it usually results in completely stripping the mattress, and tossing everything in the wash.


In times like that, it is important to have an extra bedsheet or two, just to make sure you aren’t resting on straight bedsprings whilst waiting for your laundry. Because of this, many individuals and families have an extra pair of bedsheets laying around, ready for your prying, lazy hands to grab and appallingly package in Santa Claus themed wrapping paper.


Of course, you may receive backlash from your family or friends when Aunt Judith opens her nice, used pair of bedsheets and your parent or guardian says, suspiciously, “Hey, I have the exact same pair!”


#4: Toiletries, Toiletries, Toiletries.


Now, if you’ve gotten this far into the list, you are obviously mildly depraved, have minimal gifting creativity, or both. Of course, that’s not going to stop me from giving you a yet another banging suggestion that’s fun for the whole family.


Here’s what you’re going to do: walk into your bathroom, and take a look around. Inside your cupboards you will find bottles of pills, skincare products, and hopefully an extra bar of soap, all of which you don’t necessarily use very often.


If you’re willing to get a little passive aggressive, I recommend making a bundle of skincare products. If you don’t want to give out whole bottles, take some tiny Tupperware containers and fill them with sample sized portions. Holiday-dictated politeness will cause the giftee to refrain from complaining, accepting their measly portions with a smile.


Of course, sometimes skincare products are expensive, or held dear to the heart. If this is the case, toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, tub cleaner, or any doodad you have laying around will do the trick. After all, you have these things for a reason: people need them. A nice practical gift can be appreciated, considering you have the right crowd.


And that, my friends, is my list of shoddy, last-minute, household gifts, all of which I deeply hope I do not receive myself. However, the holiday season is overly stressful, and in these modern times, gift-giving has been commodified so much that everything can be accepted as a gift, as long as you have the right sell. Good luck, everybody, on their wrapping paper extravaganzas, and I hope to see a nice, repurposed pair of socks under all your trees come December 25th.

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